Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 2:30:44 GMT
Hello guys. I'm copying and pasting what happened so you guys are aware... this is just a personal struggle that went on for me in case anybody here on the forum may care.
... Hello... Everyone... It feels so damn awkward typing on my computer right now.
You see, last Wednesday, the police found me. They asked me if I was feeling okay and I honestly said no. I knew I needed the help, and I was going to be a fool to deny it now. They drove me to the hospital. I was there for 12 hours with my parents worried out of their mind. They had no clue I wanted to die.
At the hospital, they did an assessment. They were deeply concerned with me, much more than I expected. Especially my parents. It scared me that they cared so much and I never realized it. I was so numb at the hospital. They drew my blood and I layed down in bed freezing. I talked with my parents for as los as possible before they told me they were taking me to a different hospital.
See, I had qualified to be put into a psychiatric (mental) ward by indicating that I was seriously suicidal. Little did I know what I was getting into.
Before I left, I remember seeing Elton John on TV. He was talking about his retirement and how happy he was to spend more time with his children. This though would not be the last time I heard of him. No, definitely not at all.
Before they carried me out on the stretcher, I was given my "Love Is The Cure" book by Elton John. It was literally the only thing I had. They had stripped me down from head to toe, I was quite literally naked besides my gown. But they let me keep this book. It would mean so much more to me later on.
I remember being put into the ambulance and had the doors close on me. I watched out the back window as we drove on to the new hospital, holding the book on my stomach protectively. I enjoyed the ride, but, there was no lie that I was scared. It was bumpy and quiet.
I arrived at the ward at 1AM. The lady who took me in was terribly inconsiderate an rude. She swore at me at least 6 times and then told me that I was FORCED to stay at this ward until a doctor gave me permission to leave. This means I could be stuck in this place... for forever.
Naturally, I cried and panicked. It didn't help that this woman thought I was bullshitting myself in here, as if I wasn't serious about death. Guys, I was, I seriously was. But since I was qualified to enter, she had to let me in. Nothing I had brought was approved except for a couple of other Elton John books. The whole time I cried, I wanted Love Is The Cure in my hands.
I was shown my room. Everyone was asleep, even my roommate. I had nothing but a gown on and I was ashamed of myself. I turned and faced my back against my roommate, crying and sniffling softly the whole time not to wake her up. I hated everything then. I thought I would die a slow death at this hospital. But still, I had Love Is The Cure in my arms as slept that night.
It got better from there. The place had its ups and downs, but from the second day on, I learned about human compassion on a real, down to earth level. I was crying in the cafeteria, barely able to eat. I will never forget the first patient who came up to me and said, "Are you alright? It gets better from here. God is everything." And left me alone. I might not be religious, but I clung to her words. There was some hope in them.
Turns out, she was right. By the 3rd day I had become accustomed to everybody there. And I began to like it, for the most I could being stuck in a mental ward. Group therapy was everything. There I learned about people's addictions to drugs, alcohol, pills, and learned about people's home situations, like abusive parents, sexual assaults, dangerous lovers and homelessness. It was real, very real. I never felt so connected to others in my life. But it also made me realize how much I had it made in my life.
My brain hurts from all this sudden thinking. But I can elaborate more another time. I just remember the ups and downs here very clearly- patients being so hostile towards each other, keeping me awake some nights. And nurses not letting me eat the food that was brought for me. It was hard, VERY HARD here. I remember one night, I had a panic attack. It was my first in years- I got up from my bed and found my roommate and another friend. We talked it over, I calmed down, relaxed, and was able to go back to sleep. I will NEVER forget that act of humanity and kindness at such a scary point in my life.
I held Love Is The Cure around me everywhere in that ward. So much so that I was known for being an Elton addict by the third day. I slept with that book every single night I was there, finishing it and realizing the truth behind his words. It was like a min bible to me. Hearing how Elton said he was so upset being at the hospital at first when he was in rehab, so much so that he planned to escape, was everything I could relate to... At one point, I remember all of us staring out of a window pitifully, wishing painfully that we were out there in the sunlight and freedom. It felt like prison- we were truly trapped. But we knew we were here for help. But also reading how he got help at the hospital, and finding his support system- was something now that only I and Elton and few others could truly understand and go through. It was crazy reading about a man you loved so unconditionally going through the biggest struggles of his life at the same fucking place you were at at the same time. He was really there to help me. And I felt every ounce of love and pain in his hear ton that paper.
I met so many great people here. Great would be the biggest understatement, though. I have experienced every emotion here at this ward. Yesterday, the drama was so high I had to cry it all out. But then I saw my doctor. She was the nicest doctor I EVER met. She calmed me down and helped me though, giving me the courage I needed at such a low point. We talked and discussed how much she saw growth in my eyes after a week of therapy. Then she told me the best news of my life. I was being discharged today.
I smiled so big it felt foreign and weird to me. I couldn't believe the news. I packed all my bags and got ready to go. The minute I stepped foot out of that building, I remember every life and coping skill I needed to actually survive. I realized everything about myself. I remembered the all friends I left behind and the new friends I made. And I had a plan and future set up for myself...
My whole life has turned around. I know my parents care about me. I know I have every friend in the world here who loves me so deeply. I know I have Elton John and he would love and care about me too. I know I have new friends that care about my well being just as much as the rest. And now... NOW I realize this... and ACCEPT IT. For years I refused to believe and ACCEPT this love. Now I can. And I am, and always will. I care about everyone, but I also have to put myself first.
The hospital put me on two medications that truly work- a mood stabilizer and a sleeping pill. Those sleeping pills work their charm instantly... and the mood stabilizers take away so much troubling symptoms, I realized that I wanted to die because I bottled up my true emotions, and I wouldn't accept people's advice or take it. NEVER again will I go down that path. Being diagnosed bipolar now, and having an understanding doctor, I realized that I was having a depressive episode that day making me believe death was the only answer since I couldn't accept love. But now I can. And it's okay that I may not be able to give everything back. I can accept love. It's okay. People care. And it took one week on a mental ward for me to realize this.
The hospital also got me approved for medicaid. So now we have out-patient thereby going for me from now on. My parents have been 100% supportive of this and willing to let me go. This is the greatest news of my life...
But I know this great news wouldn't be possible without my friends, new and old... and especially... ESPECIALLY... the person who called and was concerned about my suicidal behaviors. Whoever that was... who called the police... as much as I was mad at first for this- I now thank you from the bottom of my recovering heart, and I do owe my life to you. Because of this person, I NEVER WANT TO DIE!
I never want to die. I told my doctor that today.
Thank you to everyone for your support, love, affection, and friendship... especially today. I missed you all so much at the ward, and I'm missing my new friends already. Fortunately, many of them also were discharged today or will be soon. You know who you are if you're reading this. I'm so happy to be back home and to relax, but you'll have to pardon me. These pills have got a nasty drowsy side effect... so I'm not feeling up to answering all 200+ notifications or messages right away!!!!!! I had so many notifications that my phone and computer had a system processing error! Like, damn you guys!!!! The funeral won't be any time soon! 😂
I'm really so happy to be back. And boy, did I miss my man Elton most of all... heh <3
... Hello... Everyone... It feels so damn awkward typing on my computer right now.
You see, last Wednesday, the police found me. They asked me if I was feeling okay and I honestly said no. I knew I needed the help, and I was going to be a fool to deny it now. They drove me to the hospital. I was there for 12 hours with my parents worried out of their mind. They had no clue I wanted to die.
At the hospital, they did an assessment. They were deeply concerned with me, much more than I expected. Especially my parents. It scared me that they cared so much and I never realized it. I was so numb at the hospital. They drew my blood and I layed down in bed freezing. I talked with my parents for as los as possible before they told me they were taking me to a different hospital.
See, I had qualified to be put into a psychiatric (mental) ward by indicating that I was seriously suicidal. Little did I know what I was getting into.
Before I left, I remember seeing Elton John on TV. He was talking about his retirement and how happy he was to spend more time with his children. This though would not be the last time I heard of him. No, definitely not at all.
Before they carried me out on the stretcher, I was given my "Love Is The Cure" book by Elton John. It was literally the only thing I had. They had stripped me down from head to toe, I was quite literally naked besides my gown. But they let me keep this book. It would mean so much more to me later on.
I remember being put into the ambulance and had the doors close on me. I watched out the back window as we drove on to the new hospital, holding the book on my stomach protectively. I enjoyed the ride, but, there was no lie that I was scared. It was bumpy and quiet.
I arrived at the ward at 1AM. The lady who took me in was terribly inconsiderate an rude. She swore at me at least 6 times and then told me that I was FORCED to stay at this ward until a doctor gave me permission to leave. This means I could be stuck in this place... for forever.
Naturally, I cried and panicked. It didn't help that this woman thought I was bullshitting myself in here, as if I wasn't serious about death. Guys, I was, I seriously was. But since I was qualified to enter, she had to let me in. Nothing I had brought was approved except for a couple of other Elton John books. The whole time I cried, I wanted Love Is The Cure in my hands.
I was shown my room. Everyone was asleep, even my roommate. I had nothing but a gown on and I was ashamed of myself. I turned and faced my back against my roommate, crying and sniffling softly the whole time not to wake her up. I hated everything then. I thought I would die a slow death at this hospital. But still, I had Love Is The Cure in my arms as slept that night.
It got better from there. The place had its ups and downs, but from the second day on, I learned about human compassion on a real, down to earth level. I was crying in the cafeteria, barely able to eat. I will never forget the first patient who came up to me and said, "Are you alright? It gets better from here. God is everything." And left me alone. I might not be religious, but I clung to her words. There was some hope in them.
Turns out, she was right. By the 3rd day I had become accustomed to everybody there. And I began to like it, for the most I could being stuck in a mental ward. Group therapy was everything. There I learned about people's addictions to drugs, alcohol, pills, and learned about people's home situations, like abusive parents, sexual assaults, dangerous lovers and homelessness. It was real, very real. I never felt so connected to others in my life. But it also made me realize how much I had it made in my life.
My brain hurts from all this sudden thinking. But I can elaborate more another time. I just remember the ups and downs here very clearly- patients being so hostile towards each other, keeping me awake some nights. And nurses not letting me eat the food that was brought for me. It was hard, VERY HARD here. I remember one night, I had a panic attack. It was my first in years- I got up from my bed and found my roommate and another friend. We talked it over, I calmed down, relaxed, and was able to go back to sleep. I will NEVER forget that act of humanity and kindness at such a scary point in my life.
I held Love Is The Cure around me everywhere in that ward. So much so that I was known for being an Elton addict by the third day. I slept with that book every single night I was there, finishing it and realizing the truth behind his words. It was like a min bible to me. Hearing how Elton said he was so upset being at the hospital at first when he was in rehab, so much so that he planned to escape, was everything I could relate to... At one point, I remember all of us staring out of a window pitifully, wishing painfully that we were out there in the sunlight and freedom. It felt like prison- we were truly trapped. But we knew we were here for help. But also reading how he got help at the hospital, and finding his support system- was something now that only I and Elton and few others could truly understand and go through. It was crazy reading about a man you loved so unconditionally going through the biggest struggles of his life at the same fucking place you were at at the same time. He was really there to help me. And I felt every ounce of love and pain in his hear ton that paper.
I met so many great people here. Great would be the biggest understatement, though. I have experienced every emotion here at this ward. Yesterday, the drama was so high I had to cry it all out. But then I saw my doctor. She was the nicest doctor I EVER met. She calmed me down and helped me though, giving me the courage I needed at such a low point. We talked and discussed how much she saw growth in my eyes after a week of therapy. Then she told me the best news of my life. I was being discharged today.
I smiled so big it felt foreign and weird to me. I couldn't believe the news. I packed all my bags and got ready to go. The minute I stepped foot out of that building, I remember every life and coping skill I needed to actually survive. I realized everything about myself. I remembered the all friends I left behind and the new friends I made. And I had a plan and future set up for myself...
My whole life has turned around. I know my parents care about me. I know I have every friend in the world here who loves me so deeply. I know I have Elton John and he would love and care about me too. I know I have new friends that care about my well being just as much as the rest. And now... NOW I realize this... and ACCEPT IT. For years I refused to believe and ACCEPT this love. Now I can. And I am, and always will. I care about everyone, but I also have to put myself first.
The hospital put me on two medications that truly work- a mood stabilizer and a sleeping pill. Those sleeping pills work their charm instantly... and the mood stabilizers take away so much troubling symptoms, I realized that I wanted to die because I bottled up my true emotions, and I wouldn't accept people's advice or take it. NEVER again will I go down that path. Being diagnosed bipolar now, and having an understanding doctor, I realized that I was having a depressive episode that day making me believe death was the only answer since I couldn't accept love. But now I can. And it's okay that I may not be able to give everything back. I can accept love. It's okay. People care. And it took one week on a mental ward for me to realize this.
The hospital also got me approved for medicaid. So now we have out-patient thereby going for me from now on. My parents have been 100% supportive of this and willing to let me go. This is the greatest news of my life...
But I know this great news wouldn't be possible without my friends, new and old... and especially... ESPECIALLY... the person who called and was concerned about my suicidal behaviors. Whoever that was... who called the police... as much as I was mad at first for this- I now thank you from the bottom of my recovering heart, and I do owe my life to you. Because of this person, I NEVER WANT TO DIE!
I never want to die. I told my doctor that today.
Thank you to everyone for your support, love, affection, and friendship... especially today. I missed you all so much at the ward, and I'm missing my new friends already. Fortunately, many of them also were discharged today or will be soon. You know who you are if you're reading this. I'm so happy to be back home and to relax, but you'll have to pardon me. These pills have got a nasty drowsy side effect... so I'm not feeling up to answering all 200+ notifications or messages right away!!!!!! I had so many notifications that my phone and computer had a system processing error! Like, damn you guys!!!! The funeral won't be any time soon! 😂
I'm really so happy to be back. And boy, did I miss my man Elton most of all... heh <3